murdersdawn

Throat stoppered Stuck Empty silence The dry husk where inspiration slept A glass wall separates One world from the other Never touching But a thing learned hard Sticks And I’m remembering Steadily That real life Is better Than the half-remembered dream Of a dying man And slowly Steadily I am beginning to believe it.

To meet on equal ground Reigns in hand Would be a fine thing The see-saw wobbles Back and forth With every step No wonder we keep our ends Easier this way If sad Easier Than a stumble into nothing An embarrassing slip A cracked veneer Heaven forbid We might leak through And touch

I have to fight to keep her quiet The wicked witch Who sits behind my eyes And pulls my hair out She screams the same thing Always why or now Or never Mostly never She unpicks  an argument With deft fingers Like she watched me weave it Like she knows the places where I patched over my uncertainty She twines a halo through your hair Smooths your wrinkled logic Sends me home She cackles every time she hears my heart break

Quiet mornings come Rustling Like leaves that mean nothing For all that they ever meant And I cannot shake the sight of you With your hands in her hair Your lips on her neck Mine For all it matters now Three shots Four whiskeys And a quarter of a bottle of gin Work whatever magic God gave them They muddy waters Minds and hearts Until there is a nothing but the desire for change A great bitterness towards those more fortunate And the idea of missing you

Tiger beetles run so fast they go blind The eulogy comes after the communion It means nothing A life boiled down to offertory gifts A lotto ticket Sudoku A broken pool cue And twenty eight broken hearts To bear your name as long as they are able They quake To look at the place where your paper should be An armchair, empty For the lack of your giant's hands Tears betray the memory of a man Who loved and was loved With Every Last Drop Of life left to him A life ends quietly tomorrow No circus lights Just the last sigh of a charmed life May it be the wind to bring you home.

I would like to say that I was given wings Or More truly Hefted skyward Carried aloft Beyond my natural means Beyond the place where I could come down easy But not enough to plummet to an easy end A crash landing To bounce back to some more familiar strata I saw the drop coming Wove myself a parachute of measured expectation Carefully controlled doses of disappointment, pain and fear And so I float, somewhere towards a median A nimbostratus sanctuary A more cirrus circumstance, cumulus comforts Sometimes I think I can feel you looking Peeping through sick fingers For some sign of a broken body Scanning the horizon For so

Sometimes, to pass the time I pretend like I didn't always know That you would break my heart If you could All of you Each single saviour Brutal indifference kept hidden As you smuggled your hearts away To closer creatures I believed in bland smiles A girlhood gospel And just as useful I think it's time I seek my good news elsewhere

It occurs to me: That since one half remembered balmy evening I have been telling fairy tales In the hope that some bright Bewildered Green eyed boy would hear me And think 'I want to marry her someday' It's been five years now and he's not listening Construct that he is The synchronicity doesn't Make the man No matter what promises were made In the silence of an endless moment That hangs still across the water A membrane of butchered memories Poked full of holes by prying eyes And wishful thinking A forgotten muse Submerged in bricks and smoke and mortar I followed him For what it was worth And built myself a wonderland A gilded cage That be

In everything and nothing I am seeking smiles for old wounds Asking strangers to redefine my parameters Time rolls back in loops And I couldn't say where I was standing yesterday Only that it is warmer here If lonely More alive with every second I am not I'm waltzing on the edge of a precipice For the first time in a thousand years Dipping my toes in creation Light drenched Wind worn Hopeful I am myself again

I. There was a time you asked me about recognition And I said No No, don't be ridiculous I don't do that anymore, that was a waste It hurt too much to see And I didn't blink to lie As the gods rattled all around us Shaking their bones to be heard above the wind And I held my ears shut There was a time when I knew you From a time long before I ever did All planes and angles Sad eyes A story I heard before I heard it So I took to heart a whisper Spent  three weeks aching for an answer And lost the thread of conversation Until you were a stranger again II. Tonight I heard the fates again Low voices, half slurred Drunk with destiny, carele